Finding Gratitude That Feels Real, Not Pressured
Gratitude has become one of those words that's easy to say but hard to truly feel. Every November, as the year starts to wind down, we're reminded to "focus on the positives" and "count our blessings". It's meant to be uplifting but for many people, that invitation doesn't land as gently as intended.
Because sometimes, gratitude feels complicated.
You might know, logically, that you have things to be thankful for - a roof over your head, people who care, moments of comfort. But knowing that doesn't always translate into feeling grateful, especially when life has been heavy. When loss, exhaustion, or quiet disappointments have piled up, "being thankful" can feel more like a performance than a practice.
And pretending you're okay when you're not doesn't create gratitude... it creates guilt.
the pressure to feel grateful
There's a cultural expectation that gratitude should come easily. That if you just shift your perspective, you'll see how lucky you are. But that pressure can actually make people feel worse.
When someone is grieving, struggling with burnout, or navigating trauma, being told to "find gratitude" can feel invalidating. As if the paint they're carrying is a personal failure.
Gratitude, in this form, starts to sound like a demand to stop feeling what's real.
The truth is, genuine gratitude can't exist without honesty. You can't be deeply grateful while denying your hurt. And you don't need to choose between the two. Feeling grateful and feeling heartbroken can happen at the same time.
In fact, they often do.
Gratitude isn't a cure. It's a companion.
Many people try to use gratitude like a solution: if I can just focus on the good, maybe the hard parts will hurt less. But gratitude doesn't erase difficulty; it helps us live with it differently.
It's not a light switch that turns pain off. It's more like a small, steady lamp that softens the darkness enough for us to see where we are.
When gratitude is grounded, not forced, it can coexist with frustration, grief, and uncertainty. It doesn't minimize what's wrong; it makes room for what's still right.
You can be deeply tired of your circumstances and still recognize the moments that bring small comfort: the text from a friend who checks in, the warmth of your morning coffee, the quiet relief of crawling into bed after a long day.
These aren't grand gestures of thankfulness. They're small acknowledgements of life continuing to show up for you, even when it's hard to meet it halfway.
How to find gratitude that feels real
If gratitude feels far away, start smaller than you think you should.
You don't need to feel thankful for the hard things. You just need to notice the small things that hold you steady through them.
Maybe it's the way light filters through the window while you're washing dishes.
Maybe it's the friend who didn't push you to talk but stayed on the phone anyway.
Maybe it's simply the fact that, despite everything, you got up this morning and kept going.
Real gratitude is rarely loud or polished. It's humble, quiet, and often mixed with a thousand other emotions. Some days it will come easily; other days it might not show up at all...and that's okay.
when gratitude feels impossible
There are seasons when even noticing the small things feels out of reach. When your body is tired and your mind is weighed down, it can feel unfair to ask for appreciation on top of survival.
In those moments, the work isn't to force gratitude. But rather, it is to be gentle with yourself. Sometimes the most honest expression of gratitude is simply saying "I'm trying".
You can't fake gratitude into existence, but you can create space for it to return. That might mean slowing down, acknowledging your exhaustion, or allowing yourself to feel angry, sad, or detached without judgement.
Often, when those emotions have room to breathe, gratitude starts to quietly reappear. Not as a demand. But as something that feels like relief.
How therapy can help
Therapy can be a place to make peace with that in-between. To talk about why gratitude feels complicated, or why you sometimes feel ashamed for not being “positive enough.”
A therapist can help you unpack what sits beneath that struggle: the grief that’s gone unspoken, the self-criticism that makes you minimize your pain, or the old beliefs that tell you you’re only allowed to feel certain things.
When you begin to hold your full experience, not just the parts that look grateful, you create the conditions for authentic gratitude to grow. Gratitude that doesn’t deny your humanity, but honours it.
Gratitude isn’t about pretending everything is fine. It’s about noticing what still matters, even when things aren’t.
If this season feels complicated, you’re not failing at gratitude. You’re just being real — and that’s where the truest kind of appreciation begins.
