Ways Parents Harm Their Children During Divorce

1. Underestimating the Influence of Divorce on Your Child's Emotional Well-being.

Divorce can bring significant turbulence, particularly for young children who are in the midst of rapid growth and development. These early 18 years are crucial for children as they shape their self-identity, core beliefs about themselves and the world, moral compass and conscience while also moulding their unique personalities. Prioritizing your child's emotional well-being during this critical phase becomes extremely important.

Tip: Prioritize your child's mental well-being. Organize sessions with a counsellor or therapist to proactively support them BEFORE you see signs they are in distress. 

   2. Informing children about the divorce without preparation or planning.

Children experience a flood of emotions when they learn about their parents' separation. It's crucial to deliver this news thoughtfully. Make sure to prepare for this discussion well in advance, ideally involving the other parent, to ensure a thoughtful and caring approach.

Tip: A therapist can help you and your spouse plan and prepare how to have this conversation with your kids before you do it.

    3. Making negative remarks about the other parent. 

Remember that half of your child's genetic makeup comes from the other parent. Criticizing your soon-to-be ex can make your children feel like you're criticizing a part of them as well. They think: If you once loved Mom/Dad and now hate them, could you hate me someday, too?

Tip: Imagine how you would feel if your ex said these things about you. Choose the more mature path, putting your kids first (and ensure your friends and family members do the same).

    4. Restricting children from enjoying meaningful time with the other parent.

Unless your soon-to-be ex poses a safety risk, children thrive best when they can spend time with both their mother and father. Restricting your kids' access to their other parent doesn't only hurt your ex, it hurts your kids too, especially if they are accustomed to enjoying ample quality time with both parents.

Tip: Co-parenting isn't always easy, but it is forever. Educate yourself on how to do it successfully. Here is an article on the power of co-parenting. 

   5. Depending on your child for emotional assistance.

Going through a divorce can be difficult, and with no other adult around, some parents rely on their children as a source of emotional support, expressing their feelings or discussing the divorce proceedings with them. This practice places a huge burden on your child that they are developmentally unable to bear. Assuming the role of a "counsellor" or 'friend' can be very damaging for kids and teens and potentially jeopardizes your child's mental well-being. 

Tip: Seek guidance or a supportive presence from a mental health expert, a religious leader, or a support group if you require assistance or someone to confide in.

   6. Pressuring a teenage child to speak with the judge.

Making your child choose between their parents in court is something they will have to live with for the rest of their lives. This makes them responsible for hurting or betraying one of their parents, and no child should be asked to do this. 

Tip: While some children may know who they want to live with, this can be shared in the safety of a counselling environment with a professional who can support their emotions around this difficult decision. Even if they don't want to live with one parent, it doesn't mean they don't want to have a relationship with them. This will still be their Mom or Dad long after your divorce is over.

   7. Attempting to influence a child's preference for the primary parent through bribery.

Parents may seek their children's affection and preference by offering material possessions or granting privileges that the other parent does not, such as permitting them to skip school or buying them presents. While this might secure your child's favour temporarily, it does not fulfill their most essential needs: a secure, affectionate home environment and the support and care of both parents. It can also confuse them to think that love means getting everything they want, which can hurt their future relationships.

Tip: Judges generally disapprove of actions that do not prioritize the child's best interests. Concentrate on establishing a foundation for your child's long-term well-being instead.

   8. Ditching long-standing family traditions.

Children can be incredibly delicate, particularly when facing family disruptions like divorce. Preserving a sense of normalcy can aid in easing the transition. This involves upholding cherished family traditions that provide them with comfort and happiness, such as unwrapping presents from Santa at Grandma's on Christmas Day or trick-or-treating with cousins on Halloween. Before making holiday plans different from these traditions, engage in a conversation with your children to understand what customs hold significance to them.

Tip: Try to be flexible about holiday schedules.

   9. Pursuing romantic relationships while the divorce is ongoing.

Introducing a new person into the equation during a stressful period for children could heighten the stress your child is already experiencing. Time allocated to dating might also decrease the quality time you devote to your child. Moreover, dating while the divorce is ongoing could disrupt the ability to co-parent effectively. 

Tip: Speak to a mental health professional about the consequences of dating during a divorce for both yourself and your children.

Ultimately, divorce is one chapter in a child's life that, with the proper support and guidance, they can emerge from with the strength to face future challenges and build fulfilling, happy lives. Or it can be a nightmare where they watch the two people they love most in the world try to destroy each other and instead just destroy their childhood. Which outcome do you want for your children?